Thank You

Do not fear the reaper, they say. Classic. Do not fear the past, it has made you what you are. But what if all you ever wonder is what if? What if things were different? Would I be different? Sure, there is not a doubt in my mind... Would I be naive and tender like the rest of them? Would I look at the world with a smile and not read between the lines of what is, what has been and what is to come?

We believe the world has made a mark, we read history to remember what went wrong and yet all we ever do is repeat it all over again. It doesn't really matter, does it? How many years go by before the next judgment, before people get tired, again.

I look at my own history, it may not be much, I know that, but it feels like a lifetime. From one year to another I feel like I have a million different people inside of me, screaming for surface, begging for peace. But that is what it is all about, isn't it? Try new faces on, new ideas, new looks. That is what it is like to be a teen. The struggle for acceptance, the hunger for difference; to be unique. All I can really take into account is who I am and what I have seen. I can try to draw parallels between others and me but it will never be the same, I will always be special, misunderstood and alone.

I have this theory that if you would try to break out of the lines, do it differently it would be just that: different. But the more I speak of it, the more they shake their heads, give me patronizing looks and roll their eyes. It is not possible, they say, to make a difference, to stare into oblivion and come back reformed. It is not possible to change the human mind because when everyone that tries, that succeeds, dies the world will go back to normal, go back to being incoherent, go back to indifference.

At one point or another you have to understand that all people will ever do is look to themselves: what is best for me? And with every right, your happiness is most important. But what if there is a way to be happy without others being miserable? Silly girl.

Drown your sorrows or head on down the road you chose to walk upon. We all hurt over all but we are all masters in the end.

I am not much for politics, I don't get why you have to lie to get your way. I don't understand the meaning of undermining others to feel better. It has been done to me and I didn't like it but still I have done, and sometimes do, the same. I am not better than anyone else, I am just like everyone else; I beg for understanding, I plead for peace of mind and I judge without knowledge. Does it make me a better person that I try to understand, that I try be objective when all it really takes is for someone to disagree and I am right back where I started?

Anger, negativity, hatred... They are all a part of my everyday life these days. I reformed, I turned into something I have never experienced before and then I turned back into the same cynical, judgmental me I have always been. I had a moment of clarity and I loved it, every second of it. I am not as busted as I was but I am not far from becoming what I once was.

I know this, I know all of this. I know what I am becoming, I know what I am feeling and I know it is because it is comfortable, simple. Not feeling is better than being broken but not feeling is being broken.

Do I miss the times when life was simple, when I didn't care? Sometimes, most of the time I don't. But see, as much as I would like to believe I did, I never really stopped caring, never really stopped analyzing the world around me, I have always done just that and it makes me angry because people will not see what I can see, they will not change because I want them to change, for the same reason I will not change because they want me to change. All this destruction and the simplicity of not causing pain makes makes me angry. It makes me angry that people refuse to see another way. Just like me.

I think all of my emotions, all of my understanding for others, feeling what they feel, seeing what they see somehow made me jaded because at the moment I feel nothing. Inside I roll my eyes and shrug; I have heard this before, all of it. Surprise me.

Do I miss the simplicity that once was? Like I said; sometimes. Mostly because maybe I could have changed it, maybe it could have been different. Maybe I wouldn't be filled with this hollowness, this burning sensation in the pit of my stomach like I am just going through the motions. I have all of these opinions but I am not allowed to speak them, I am too tired to try. People only want to hear what suits them and mostly it is not hearing at all.

Anger, guilt, pain, hatred. I thought I had come so far from this but I feel it, I feel myself changing. Maybe it is good for me? Maybe it will help me find clarity but how many will suffer for it before I find it? Who am I to decide someone else's thoughts? Because I want peace? Heh. Yeah, so does everyone else. And yet... Here we are. We are all just going through the motions, aren't we?

Question is: will you find it in your heart to eventually forgive me?

Alanis Morissette – Forgiven

And You Could Have It All, My Empire Of Dirt

And you give yourself away...

When the moments pass us by all we can do is watch, maybe try to feel them if we realize them in time or look back at them to try and remember what was.

But time will never be what it was and I can't take back the years, the mistakes I've made or share answers I don't have. And as great as it sounds time doesn't heal any wounds, but it does make it easier to mend them. You have to do all the work yourself and that heavy plate resting on your chest will only ever move if you try to move it yourself, find some sort of way to breathe.

So when is the time to listen to others? To let someone else help you or guide you? A friend said to me that he believes in following your instincts, that's what I've decided to do and impulses and instincts are not the same thing.

If I could I'd take it all back, the bruises I've caused, the gashes I reopened time and time again. I'd do a lot differently. But many things are ones I'll never forget, never regret. I can't change what was, make it better or excuse the things I've done but I know there are times I'll forever treasure in my mind, that will always be there. They have changed my life in so many ways, my way of seeing the world, and even though I've pushed back a vital part of myself out of fear I'll never forget. Also probably never forgive.

I lost myself so many years ago, helplessly crossed all the lines I'd so perfectly drawn up. How do you lose control that easy? Become that selfish and destructive? What is it in us that causes us to feel like we will never be enough, never deserve all those things that people long for, that we, too, long for?

I'll never forgive or forget. I'll never forgive myself for beating you senseless with words, killing that spirit, that light I loved so much. No matter the words or meaningless things, I never doubted for a second that you were the most important part of my life, the one who dragged it all out of me, caused me to feel and long for something that selfless little girl inside me once had and for so long has craved. I never knew what I had lost until you showed me what I lacked. Therefore I will never ask your forgiveness again and let you be, because hopefully that is the only way I can make sure I never cause you this kind of pain again, this grief.

To say that I'll miss you is an understatement, it feels as if I've lost a piece of myself and I'm not sure I'll ever get it back.

But wounds heal if you let them, so I've heard. Bruises fade and people come into our lives to ease some of the pain others have caused. People who are deserving of that love and trust we've misplaced in others. Some day we might find ourselves looking back at our travels, mistakes and moments that have carried us through it all. I know that if I get there I'll see it all and smile. The mistakes have been made, badly so, but the lessons I've learned has taken me further than I thought possible. And most importantly I'll know that in the end I finally did the right thing. Regret is a funny thing, it tears us apart inside out, it causes us to question everything that was and if the words were ever real. But they were, it was all real. Most of all the love, it was so real the regret tore me into a million tiny pieces. Will I ever get there? Will I allow myself to get better, forgive the unforgivable things I've done? I hope so. I hope I'll eventually allow myself to feel like I can actually be happy and satisfied within my own skin and fall relentlessly without a safety net into the serenity I'll only ever find within, it'd be nice to make peace with myself at some point.

Love, Em

We'll walk in fields of gold

And then there were two... Life isn't always what you want it to be, what you've been told it should be. It's not always puppy dogs and rainbows. One thing to remember, though, is that you always have a choice. You can choose to see life for what it is, all of the parts, or try to somehow deny the possibility of change. You are only as weak as you make yourself out to be and you are the only one who can decide if you want to be a victim or a fighter. Opportunities are constantly presented at our feet, temptations and questions rule our minds like a boss. So how do we even begin to try and fight what we can't even see?

How did fear get such a strong hold of this body that it consumes every breathing part of it, makes every cell twist and turn to get away, to run without thought or even considering the possibilities? When was the exact time that life twisted the knife, put that fork in the road, that changed everything? Was there only one or a series of happenings that got us to this point? It seems so much has changed within me I've lost track of the world outside. I try to look back at what I was and remember but I can't see it and if you can't find the origin of your flaw how will you ever truly find just who you are or who you are capable of becoming?

So much has happened since I took my first steps inside that hell-hole, so many twists and turns and probably a million forks in the road you'd lose count. Someone once said that a child is born into innocence, untouched by the things that were, the things to come. No child is born evil but for some reason we all grow to become so different. So what is it that makes it so? Somewhere deep down every person there has to be something left behind from that light that shines so bright in innocent eyes, right? Sometimes it's physical, mental. Sometimes it's your surroundings, others' beliefs and opinions. But there is this moment, hopefully, were we start to think for ourselves; were we learn to analyze all on our own, question the world around us and form our own opinions and ideas of the world, how it should be, how it is. The cold-hearted truth is sometimes the most important one, sometimes not.

I remember the shock and I didn't like it all but now, looking back, I think I'm grateful somehow, no matter how stupid it may sound, because it taught me something, it made me see things in a whole new light. So question is: was it worth it? To a certain point, yes. I believe it was Mandy Musgrave who had the line about a song: "You have to go there to come back." I guess that's it for me. In order for me to learn and because I'm sometimes too curious for my own good, I have to experience it to know what all the fuss is about. At times I wonder who I'd been had I not taken those million leaps of faith and taken on the millions of challanges someone spit in my face and for some reason I feel a sense of contempt because on some level I like who I am right now, or at least where I'm headed. And for the first time in a long time I feel like I can actually breathe...

//Em

Free Fallin'

"I wanna glide down over Mulholland. I wanna write her name in the sky. I wanna free fall out into nothing, I'm gonna leave this world for a while."

No matter where the moments take me they bleed desperately for me to see what's right in front of me. But I'm blind, blinded by a cause I still can't quite grasp. Why and how can't even begin to describe the sensation. It's all coming unhinged, though, I know...

I have to say that I love my sister so much right now. "Fuck 'em," she says. "Fuck 'em and what they think. I will never stop believing in you."

So this is it, Em. You have the world at your feet, what do you want to do with it?

My brain is working overtime at this point, I want to run back to the safety I had for so long but I know I can't. I want to find new things to experience but so far they're only ideas and no matter how hard I try I can't get them to form into something productive. I have a way, I have many ways, and paths I haven't even studied yet so why not take the leap? Why not just take that one step off the edge and free fall without the safety net? Fear?

For the first time I feel like I'm really trying to welcome that side, make it home and cradle the losses. But it's hard because I can't force myself to feel something when the walls are up. But I'm digging, hitting them with all I've got, and bit by bit I can feel them coming down. One step at a time, right?

I have to force myself to take care of things now before comfort takes over and I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I stare at a reflection that just feels sad and pathetic. Do something! I will... I'm gonna. I've found a fragile ground and it's taking me all I have to believe in it and take that leap of faith, see that I won't actually crash right through. No matter what it is, how little it is, it's there. It's offering me a hand and I'm ready to take it.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning. The past is gone and the future has yet to come, all we really have is here and now.

Kelly Clarkson – Save You - you know who you are...

//Em

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

"You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go."

You know that moment when it hits you? When it strikes you clean across the face so hard you fall down. Hard and fast you hit the floor and you're afraid to get up... So scared of moving because it would cause time to keep moving. So you sit there hunched, shivering and scared like a meaningless lump on the floor. With no purpose, no meaning just... furniture. Awaiting the next blow you close your eyes as tight as you can as if it would somehow make you disappear, invisible. And all the while you forget the world outside and won't notice that the next blow doesn't come. There's just an emptiness screaming at you to move, breathe, do something!

It can take minutes, days, months, years before it hits. Sometimes it takes a couple of weeks and that panic grabs you by the heart and tosses it all the way across the room and you figure it out: you're alone now.

I thought it was easy, almost too easy. I told them I was waiting. Waiting for the realization, to feel what I'm supposed to, and I did. And now I'm afraid to open the door, it feels like regret will push through it and kill me. It feels like I'm dying. But there are no tears. Not anymore, just a sense of not being able to breathe. Because if I breathe I'll make it real. But it is real, it's right there... I grazed the corner I didn't want to see and now I'm right where I didn't want to be.

So what now? Will you tell me because I'm at a loss, I don't know which way to turn and the only place I had I eliminated all by myself... I don't want to look at these walls, don't want to feel the ghosts taunting me. But I don't have a choice, having only been home to sleep these past fourteen days I am now feeling what it feels like not to run and face it head on and it hurts. More than I thought it would.

I'm sorry...

The Soldiers – Against All Odds

The running stopped. At some point you just have to stop running, I guess.

Sarah McLachlan – Do What You Have To Do

//Em

Redemption

- the act or process of redeeming.

The constant in life is change. No matter what you do or if you don't; things change. Constantly, often. We try desperatly sometimes to hold on to the things we have, so much so that we are blind to the changing world around us. We bear moments because we loved others. We take pity on those who don't have and cry when we can't get what we want. We swallow large pieces of our person to the satisfaction of another. Momentarily once in a while through life we lose track of who we are and why. Barely is a well-known word to many. Lost is another.
Maybe it is so that we can't always get what we want but when the wanting takes over our entire reality maybe it's time to look to other solutions, different ways or angles? We can't be who we are if we can't even see who we've become.
Judgemental looks and actions few could ever understand are tossed in all directions for no apparent reason. Hell on Earth is a common way to describe a state of mind we often find ourselves in.


I caress it, cradle it and find comfort in a state of mind that says that I am not allowed to be satisfied, fighting battles with an alter ego that says it's okay to fuck up, preferrably always and so much that it's almost unforgivable.
I don't know when it came into account to numb the sensation of guilt and care. Maybe it was always there? Maybe I felt too much when I was younger or not enough, maybe I am just a liar? There seems to be something there when I get the look of patronization every time I open my mouth. "Here she goes again, seeking attention. Mocking those in need." Thanks. I don't know, I just always felt I needed to find my own way and why I act the way I do. And when all the signs and characterizations are there; shouldn't I at least trust that? Maybe not. It seems, though, that I have found a place of comfort other than the denial and now I'm not worthy of it? I'm not in a bad enough position to seek out the help that is offered?
Tell the truth, they say. Well I am trying. Guess it's not true enough. Seems like when you've been lying for the majority of your life no one believes you when you actually try to change it. And so I've become the girl who cried wolf. No wonder I doubt my being here when everyone else tells me I'm wrong. Then how come every action, every behavior and story fits so perfectly? Coincidence? "You can't destroy every thing that matters to you in one week and say that you don't have a problem." She said. It's not just one week, but she knows that. It was the week that did it, though. The realization that I've had enough.


"Am I telling the truth?" I think so. I'm trying to, at least. Truth is: it pisses me off beyond reason. I keep walking around angry all the time now. "Everybody needs a break sometimes." Yeah, I can agree with that. But what if it's written in your personality? Or what if you've realized something too early? Is there anything called "too early" anyway? I do want to be unique, everyone is, but not like this. Why the hell would I find any pride in this then or put myself through this for some simple attention? Maybe I should've taken a step further and shoved her into the ground to what? Prove a point? I don't know what or who I am, I think I forgot a long time ago. But I'm trying to find out, isn't that enough? It is easier for me than most, I've set my mind to it and decided. In the end it may not be right for me or I'll be wrong but seriously... Ten days into it you're going to decide for me? Isn't that what I've been doing my entire life? Let the vulture at the foot of the bed or everyone else decide for me? But no, I said it before and I'll do it again: don't support if you don't feel it's right, I understand that it doesn't make sense; it doesn't to me either, but keep it to yourself and leave me alone then to let me find out for myself instead of taking advice that could be wrong just because I trust you so damn much it kills me. It matters more to me than anything what you think of me but I just can't... Would you not look at me like I'm the same pathetic attention seeker that cut herself at fourteen? Am I really that oblivious to you still?
"Then why do you do it?" She asked the best question I've ever been asked. I don't know, I honsetly don't know. "Why can't you just stop?" I don't know...


//Em

Brand New Day

"It's okay to feel happy and satisfied. It's a part of it, to welcome all things and find a way to deal with them."

"It's a brand new day, sun is shining. It's a brand new day. For the first time in such a long, long time I know... I'll be okay."

I was afraid that me feeling somewhat happy and grateful would mean something negative. I guess that pretty much sums up how my mind works, why I've been acting the way I have.

I feel like I'm grazing every corner with the outmost care as if expecting the emotions to hit me like a car. It's terrifying and exciting all at once. "Don't worry. It'll come." He said. Yeah, I've felt it a little bit and I'm trying to keep an open mind but it's hard when all I know is how to run away.

"By giving unconditional love we become more loving, and by sharing spiritual growth we become more spiritual." I have a feeling that's what happened this weekend without me knowing it. Just laying in the grass and speaking my mind is something I've never done before, not without throwing in a lie or two or constantly telling myself that it's all good. And now I feel serene, maybe not overjoyed, but calm. In tune.

The most important things is to surround myself with things and people that'll keep me in this state so that I eventually can move forward and allow myself to feel the things I really don't want. I think I've done that pretty well. I guess the frist step towards this is talking about it, openly, freely, and not care so much what others think. It's important to admit when you're wrong and remember when things went wrong and why to not make the same mistake again. How? Don't know yet, but I'm getting there.

I should try to rather forgive than be forgiven and understand rather than be understood. Let go of my limitations and see them as walls I originally put up for some meaningless reason that I know now is unimportant. I shall let go of the limitations I've set up for myself and open my mind to new ideas. This weekend was a saviour. I think it meant more than I can comprehend right now. All I know is that it changed me somehow and I left a part of me I never really needed behind on that meadow.

Thank you everyone for the support and love. I know now the only one who can deal with this is myself but it would have been a million times harder without you. It's okay to ask for help.

"You make your past your past." - Joshua Radin. Click the title, actually all the titles for different songs or links.

//Em