When the moments pass us by all we can do is watch, maybe try to feel them if we realize them in time or look back at them to try and remember what was.
But time will never be what it was and I can't take back the years, the mistakes I've made or share answers I don't have. And as great as it sounds time doesn't heal any wounds, but it does make it easier to mend them. You have to do all the work yourself and that heavy plate resting on your chest will only ever move if you try to move it yourself, find some sort of way to breathe.
So when is the time to listen to others? To let someone else help you or guide you? A friend said to me that he believes in following your instincts, that's what I've decided to do and impulses and instincts are not the same thing.
If I could I'd take it all back, the bruises I've caused, the gashes I reopened time and time again. I'd do a lot differently. But many things are ones I'll never forget, never regret. I can't change what was, make it better or excuse the things I've done but I know there are times I'll forever treasure in my mind, that will always be there. They have changed my life in so many ways, my way of seeing the world, and even though I've pushed back a vital part of myself out of fear I'll never forget. Also probably never forgive.
I lost myself so many years ago, helplessly crossed all the lines I'd so perfectly drawn up. How do you lose control that easy? Become that selfish and destructive? What is it in us that causes us to feel like we will never be enough, never deserve all those things that people long for, that we, too, long for?
I'll never forgive or forget. I'll never forgive myself for beating you senseless with words, killing that spirit, that light I loved so much. No matter the words or meaningless things, I never doubted for a second that you were the most important part of my life, the one who dragged it all out of me, caused me to feel and long for something that selfless little girl inside me once had and for so long has craved. I never knew what I had lost until you showed me what I lacked. Therefore I will never ask your forgiveness again and let you be, because hopefully that is the only way I can make sure I never cause you this kind of pain again, this grief.
To say that I'll miss you is an understatement, it feels as if I've lost a piece of myself and I'm not sure I'll ever get it back.
But wounds heal if you let them, so I've heard. Bruises fade and people come into our lives to ease some of the pain others have caused. People who are deserving of that love and trust we've misplaced in others. Some day we might find ourselves looking back at our travels, mistakes and moments that have carried us through it all. I know that if I get there I'll see it all and smile. The mistakes have been made, badly so, but the lessons I've learned has taken me further than I thought possible. And most importantly I'll know that in the end I finally did the right thing. Regret is a funny thing, it tears us apart inside out, it causes us to question everything that was and if the words were ever real. But they were, it was all real. Most of all the love, it was so real the regret tore me into a million tiny pieces. Will I ever get there? Will I allow myself to get better, forgive the unforgivable things I've done? I hope so. I hope I'll eventually allow myself to feel like I can actually be happy and satisfied within my own skin and fall relentlessly without a safety net into the serenity I'll only ever find within, it'd be nice to make peace with myself at some point.
Love, Em
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