We'll walk in fields of gold

And then there were two... Life isn't always what you want it to be, what you've been told it should be. It's not always puppy dogs and rainbows. One thing to remember, though, is that you always have a choice. You can choose to see life for what it is, all of the parts, or try to somehow deny the possibility of change. You are only as weak as you make yourself out to be and you are the only one who can decide if you want to be a victim or a fighter. Opportunities are constantly presented at our feet, temptations and questions rule our minds like a boss. So how do we even begin to try and fight what we can't even see?

How did fear get such a strong hold of this body that it consumes every breathing part of it, makes every cell twist and turn to get away, to run without thought or even considering the possibilities? When was the exact time that life twisted the knife, put that fork in the road, that changed everything? Was there only one or a series of happenings that got us to this point? It seems so much has changed within me I've lost track of the world outside. I try to look back at what I was and remember but I can't see it and if you can't find the origin of your flaw how will you ever truly find just who you are or who you are capable of becoming?

So much has happened since I took my first steps inside that hell-hole, so many twists and turns and probably a million forks in the road you'd lose count. Someone once said that a child is born into innocence, untouched by the things that were, the things to come. No child is born evil but for some reason we all grow to become so different. So what is it that makes it so? Somewhere deep down every person there has to be something left behind from that light that shines so bright in innocent eyes, right? Sometimes it's physical, mental. Sometimes it's your surroundings, others' beliefs and opinions. But there is this moment, hopefully, were we start to think for ourselves; were we learn to analyze all on our own, question the world around us and form our own opinions and ideas of the world, how it should be, how it is. The cold-hearted truth is sometimes the most important one, sometimes not.

I remember the shock and I didn't like it all but now, looking back, I think I'm grateful somehow, no matter how stupid it may sound, because it taught me something, it made me see things in a whole new light. So question is: was it worth it? To a certain point, yes. I believe it was Mandy Musgrave who had the line about a song: "You have to go there to come back." I guess that's it for me. In order for me to learn and because I'm sometimes too curious for my own good, I have to experience it to know what all the fuss is about. At times I wonder who I'd been had I not taken those million leaps of faith and taken on the millions of challanges someone spit in my face and for some reason I feel a sense of contempt because on some level I like who I am right now, or at least where I'm headed. And for the first time in a long time I feel like I can actually breathe...

//Em

Free Fallin'

"I wanna glide down over Mulholland. I wanna write her name in the sky. I wanna free fall out into nothing, I'm gonna leave this world for a while."

No matter where the moments take me they bleed desperately for me to see what's right in front of me. But I'm blind, blinded by a cause I still can't quite grasp. Why and how can't even begin to describe the sensation. It's all coming unhinged, though, I know...

I have to say that I love my sister so much right now. "Fuck 'em," she says. "Fuck 'em and what they think. I will never stop believing in you."

So this is it, Em. You have the world at your feet, what do you want to do with it?

My brain is working overtime at this point, I want to run back to the safety I had for so long but I know I can't. I want to find new things to experience but so far they're only ideas and no matter how hard I try I can't get them to form into something productive. I have a way, I have many ways, and paths I haven't even studied yet so why not take the leap? Why not just take that one step off the edge and free fall without the safety net? Fear?

For the first time I feel like I'm really trying to welcome that side, make it home and cradle the losses. But it's hard because I can't force myself to feel something when the walls are up. But I'm digging, hitting them with all I've got, and bit by bit I can feel them coming down. One step at a time, right?

I have to force myself to take care of things now before comfort takes over and I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I stare at a reflection that just feels sad and pathetic. Do something! I will... I'm gonna. I've found a fragile ground and it's taking me all I have to believe in it and take that leap of faith, see that I won't actually crash right through. No matter what it is, how little it is, it's there. It's offering me a hand and I'm ready to take it.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning. The past is gone and the future has yet to come, all we really have is here and now.

Kelly Clarkson – Save You - you know who you are...

//Em

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

"You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go."

You know that moment when it hits you? When it strikes you clean across the face so hard you fall down. Hard and fast you hit the floor and you're afraid to get up... So scared of moving because it would cause time to keep moving. So you sit there hunched, shivering and scared like a meaningless lump on the floor. With no purpose, no meaning just... furniture. Awaiting the next blow you close your eyes as tight as you can as if it would somehow make you disappear, invisible. And all the while you forget the world outside and won't notice that the next blow doesn't come. There's just an emptiness screaming at you to move, breathe, do something!

It can take minutes, days, months, years before it hits. Sometimes it takes a couple of weeks and that panic grabs you by the heart and tosses it all the way across the room and you figure it out: you're alone now.

I thought it was easy, almost too easy. I told them I was waiting. Waiting for the realization, to feel what I'm supposed to, and I did. And now I'm afraid to open the door, it feels like regret will push through it and kill me. It feels like I'm dying. But there are no tears. Not anymore, just a sense of not being able to breathe. Because if I breathe I'll make it real. But it is real, it's right there... I grazed the corner I didn't want to see and now I'm right where I didn't want to be.

So what now? Will you tell me because I'm at a loss, I don't know which way to turn and the only place I had I eliminated all by myself... I don't want to look at these walls, don't want to feel the ghosts taunting me. But I don't have a choice, having only been home to sleep these past fourteen days I am now feeling what it feels like not to run and face it head on and it hurts. More than I thought it would.

I'm sorry...

The Soldiers – Against All Odds

The running stopped. At some point you just have to stop running, I guess.

Sarah McLachlan – Do What You Have To Do

//Em

Redemption

- the act or process of redeeming.

The constant in life is change. No matter what you do or if you don't; things change. Constantly, often. We try desperatly sometimes to hold on to the things we have, so much so that we are blind to the changing world around us. We bear moments because we loved others. We take pity on those who don't have and cry when we can't get what we want. We swallow large pieces of our person to the satisfaction of another. Momentarily once in a while through life we lose track of who we are and why. Barely is a well-known word to many. Lost is another.
Maybe it is so that we can't always get what we want but when the wanting takes over our entire reality maybe it's time to look to other solutions, different ways or angles? We can't be who we are if we can't even see who we've become.
Judgemental looks and actions few could ever understand are tossed in all directions for no apparent reason. Hell on Earth is a common way to describe a state of mind we often find ourselves in.


I caress it, cradle it and find comfort in a state of mind that says that I am not allowed to be satisfied, fighting battles with an alter ego that says it's okay to fuck up, preferrably always and so much that it's almost unforgivable.
I don't know when it came into account to numb the sensation of guilt and care. Maybe it was always there? Maybe I felt too much when I was younger or not enough, maybe I am just a liar? There seems to be something there when I get the look of patronization every time I open my mouth. "Here she goes again, seeking attention. Mocking those in need." Thanks. I don't know, I just always felt I needed to find my own way and why I act the way I do. And when all the signs and characterizations are there; shouldn't I at least trust that? Maybe not. It seems, though, that I have found a place of comfort other than the denial and now I'm not worthy of it? I'm not in a bad enough position to seek out the help that is offered?
Tell the truth, they say. Well I am trying. Guess it's not true enough. Seems like when you've been lying for the majority of your life no one believes you when you actually try to change it. And so I've become the girl who cried wolf. No wonder I doubt my being here when everyone else tells me I'm wrong. Then how come every action, every behavior and story fits so perfectly? Coincidence? "You can't destroy every thing that matters to you in one week and say that you don't have a problem." She said. It's not just one week, but she knows that. It was the week that did it, though. The realization that I've had enough.


"Am I telling the truth?" I think so. I'm trying to, at least. Truth is: it pisses me off beyond reason. I keep walking around angry all the time now. "Everybody needs a break sometimes." Yeah, I can agree with that. But what if it's written in your personality? Or what if you've realized something too early? Is there anything called "too early" anyway? I do want to be unique, everyone is, but not like this. Why the hell would I find any pride in this then or put myself through this for some simple attention? Maybe I should've taken a step further and shoved her into the ground to what? Prove a point? I don't know what or who I am, I think I forgot a long time ago. But I'm trying to find out, isn't that enough? It is easier for me than most, I've set my mind to it and decided. In the end it may not be right for me or I'll be wrong but seriously... Ten days into it you're going to decide for me? Isn't that what I've been doing my entire life? Let the vulture at the foot of the bed or everyone else decide for me? But no, I said it before and I'll do it again: don't support if you don't feel it's right, I understand that it doesn't make sense; it doesn't to me either, but keep it to yourself and leave me alone then to let me find out for myself instead of taking advice that could be wrong just because I trust you so damn much it kills me. It matters more to me than anything what you think of me but I just can't... Would you not look at me like I'm the same pathetic attention seeker that cut herself at fourteen? Am I really that oblivious to you still?
"Then why do you do it?" She asked the best question I've ever been asked. I don't know, I honsetly don't know. "Why can't you just stop?" I don't know...


//Em

Brand New Day

"It's okay to feel happy and satisfied. It's a part of it, to welcome all things and find a way to deal with them."

"It's a brand new day, sun is shining. It's a brand new day. For the first time in such a long, long time I know... I'll be okay."

I was afraid that me feeling somewhat happy and grateful would mean something negative. I guess that pretty much sums up how my mind works, why I've been acting the way I have.

I feel like I'm grazing every corner with the outmost care as if expecting the emotions to hit me like a car. It's terrifying and exciting all at once. "Don't worry. It'll come." He said. Yeah, I've felt it a little bit and I'm trying to keep an open mind but it's hard when all I know is how to run away.

"By giving unconditional love we become more loving, and by sharing spiritual growth we become more spiritual." I have a feeling that's what happened this weekend without me knowing it. Just laying in the grass and speaking my mind is something I've never done before, not without throwing in a lie or two or constantly telling myself that it's all good. And now I feel serene, maybe not overjoyed, but calm. In tune.

The most important things is to surround myself with things and people that'll keep me in this state so that I eventually can move forward and allow myself to feel the things I really don't want. I think I've done that pretty well. I guess the frist step towards this is talking about it, openly, freely, and not care so much what others think. It's important to admit when you're wrong and remember when things went wrong and why to not make the same mistake again. How? Don't know yet, but I'm getting there.

I should try to rather forgive than be forgiven and understand rather than be understood. Let go of my limitations and see them as walls I originally put up for some meaningless reason that I know now is unimportant. I shall let go of the limitations I've set up for myself and open my mind to new ideas. This weekend was a saviour. I think it meant more than I can comprehend right now. All I know is that it changed me somehow and I left a part of me I never really needed behind on that meadow.

Thank you everyone for the support and love. I know now the only one who can deal with this is myself but it would have been a million times harder without you. It's okay to ask for help.

"You make your past your past." - Joshua Radin. Click the title, actually all the titles for different songs or links.

//Em

Peace, Love & Understanding

Well it's obvious a bunch of pot-heads would come up with that... Still, though:

Peace: a state of mutual harmony between people or groups, especially in personal relations: Try to live in peace with your neighbors. Or: a state of tranquillity or serenity.

Love: affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

Understanding: mental process of a person who comprehends.

And to my personal favorite:

Respect: to show regard or consideration for.

Sounds pretty fucking good, don't it?

Funny how it works. You're constantly told there's something wrong with you and when you can finally put your finger on it nobody believes you. Things are pretty fantastic that way. I've never been through so many emotions in the matter of minutes before and it's constant, it never stops. "That's the way it is." They say. Like you know! Oh, right...

"It'll get better." Yeah, yeah, I know. I've heard it all before. "You'll learn to deal with it." When?
Just for today... And if you can't; for the next hour. If that doesn't work: the next fifteen minutes. Or... the next five minutes. Life never really stops spinning either way, does it? In the end the world won't hurt, won't bother no matter what.

"Yeah well, that didn't really happen just now, did it?" No, it's been going on for the past seven years! Where the fuck have you been?

Is it right? To lay it all down on something like this? I don't know... I don't think so. Your actions cause ripples. They grow into waves and tsunamis; it takes down everything you've ever built up.

"Is there anything to feel, is it pain that makes you real? Cut me off before it kills me...
Take another piece of me, give my mind a new disease. And the black and white world never fades to gray..."


Put one foot in front of the other... That's it. One minute at a time. I'm sorry I didn't share. No... really I'm not. But maybe it'd be easier somehow. For my own sake I'm sorry because it would have made things so much easier. But I didn't and here I am. I'm not sure I believe it myself, it sounds so stupid.
"And here she goes again... Craving attention." Yeah... that's it! I love doing it like this, I've never felt better about it! Second: if you don't want to bother, don't! I never asked you to give a shit, now did I?
It's so much easier to blame it on someone else, no matter what it is. If anyone should know it's me. I've spent my entire life blaming others, or at least the past 8-9 years of it. It's easier because you won't have to deal with it. But talking's cheap, and actions speak volumes. A raised eyebrow can send you to hell and back or make a person question their entire day. A sarcastic sentiment can cost you your head. At least right now. Taunting someone because you've started something you can't stop makes it worse in any form. And admitting when your wrong takes a lot more balls than pulling a trigger.
You can't undo what you've done, but you can try to make people understand the cause of your actions even if they aren't excuses. What I've learned and is working to accept is that a mistake doesn't make you a bad person, it's what you do afterwards that counts. A million mistakes doesn't make you a bad person as long you feel regret and do your best to make amends. That still doesn't excuse mistakes but often times it explains them. Sometimes an explanation can mean more than you know. And to be able to never ask for forgiveness but prove that you are sorry without expecting anything in return takes more balls than I have right now.
I've been told that the greatest thing you can do is ask for help when you feel incapable of handling something on your own. I still don't feel remotely brave; just stupid. How could I be so stupid that I didn't ask earlier? Pride, I guess. It's good to be proud, you just have to find the right thing to be proud of, the things that doesn't hurt yourself or anyone else.
So therefore I don't ask for forgiveness, I've stopped feeling sorry for myself and for those of you who, for some miraculous reason, still do: Don't. All I ask is that you be patient or leave me alone. I'm not asking you to understand because I still don't. But I am asking you to respect it. How you decide to do that is up to you...


"There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have
I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For all of the plans we've made
There isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care where we've been
I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin on
We're marchin on"


You are the only one who can change yourself, no one is going to do that for you; they've all got their own shit to deal with. All they can do, if they feel like it, is show you the door. You're the one who has to walk through it...
This is it, isn't it? "You're lucky you're still young..." Yeah, fuck you.

//Em

Fallen

"We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I've held so dear." - Sarah McLachlan

And you could have it all, my empire of dirt.

Last night was exciting and hard. Mentally hard. These are things I have to hear but I never thought of it as being that bad. I think I get it now... It'll take a while longer, but I think I'll find it and accept it.

The familiar smell fills my room as a haunting reminder of who I used to be. Or maybe who I always wanted to be but never really became. Have I even moved these years or are the strains on my face the only thing revealing my age. Like the rings in a tree, cut me open and count the rings. Or trace them under my eyes.

I'm so sick, I'm tired and sick and nauseated. Every piece of food burn in my throat and attacks my stomach like a bomb, almost recoiling itself back up my throat.

The images are forever edged into my memory and to be able to at least function it takes every bit of strength to push them away for now. But I feel them, I always feel them, I allow myself to feel them because I have to...

//Em

Off

I don't want to go... I don't. Still it's all I can think of.
We all make decisions we have to stand for, even if no one else believes you. Drastic measures is sometimes better if you want to see some resembelance of a difference, all I regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

Funny how your mood can swing this much from one day to another. I don't know how I feel about this, I don't know if I like it, I don't want to feel like a hypocrite. Nothing feels real, it's all grey and odd and I don't want to see it, don't want to face it. I was completely convinced yesterday and now...? Some say it's right, it's needed. And on paper it seems to be right but... Others they look at me in disbelief, as if this is another trick. Have I really broken this much of a trust? Even the reflection stares at me empty, hollow and mistrusting. "Fuck 'em." He says. Yeah, fuck 'em, right? I mean, what else is there to do? I don't know.

"We argue with ourselves." That's what they say; that's what I recognize. "We lie, about the most meaningless things." Yep, I recognize that. "I don't know what I am, why I'm here." I recognize that too.

But I don't mind it. I do mind all those things, yes, but I don't mind being without, what does that tell me? That I'm not as fucked as I want to be? So many questions that go unanswered. "You are the only one with the answers." Yeah, I always was, wasn't I? Whatever. "No not whatever." But yeah, that's all I have. It all feels so stupid, pathetic. I guess that's normal.

Why can't you see? Why won't you listen? I'm not right, somewhere I am obviously not right!

I'm going to go. I have to. But I don't want to. "That's when you really should go," they say. I guess they're right.

//Em

The Emptiness That Plagues Them

“People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.” - Ramona L. Anderson

"We've been broken, beaten, held up for kicks, ain't had none o' this. We've been lashing out, crashing about, but we still remember to breathe..." - Lifestyle

I'm actually all talked out.

I'm a liar, a hypocrite, a devil in my own right. I'm everything I always said I wouldn't be. I have become her. The empty, hollow shell that kills, breaks, wounds and haunts. Now I am the one hunted, haunted, ashamed. Step one; check. Not really though. It is never enough, is it? You take all of these things and you bottle them up, stuff 'em so far up there that one day you're so full of it you throw it all up in one beat, then another. You shoot all these things around you and somewhere that little girl who always cared screams at you to stop... but you don't. You never do. You just keep on killing everything good you had for some moronic reason you can't really figure out. I mean what the fuck, why can't I just stop?! What is it that makes it so hard I can't just stop?

The wheels start spinning and they spin so hard and so fast I get sick but I can't look away, I can never look away. Not for a second do I stop and actually question if this is really right. The wheels are pretty, interesting, dangerous... And I'm an idiot.

//Em