Do not fear the reaper, they say. Classic. Do
not fear the past, it has made you what you are. But what if all you ever
wonder is what if? What if things were different? Would I be different? Sure,
there is not a doubt in my mind... Would I be naive and tender like the rest
of them? Would I look at the world with a smile and not read between the lines
of what is, what has been and what is to come?
We believe the world has made a mark, we read
history to remember what went wrong and yet all we ever do is repeat it all
over again. It doesn't really matter, does it? How many years go by before the
next judgment, before people get tired, again.
I look at my own history, it may not be much, I
know that, but it feels like a lifetime. From one year to another I feel like I
have a million different people inside of me, screaming for surface, begging
for peace. But that is what it is all about, isn't it? Try new faces on, new
ideas, new looks. That is what it is like to be a teen. The struggle for
acceptance, the hunger for difference; to be unique. All I can really take into
account is who I am and what I have seen. I can try to draw parallels between others
and me but it will never be the same, I will always be special, misunderstood
and alone.
I have this theory that if you would try to
break out of the lines, do it differently it would be just that: different. But
the more I speak of it, the more they shake their heads, give me patronizing
looks and roll their eyes. It is not possible, they say, to make a difference,
to stare into oblivion and come back reformed. It is not possible to change the
human mind because when everyone that tries, that succeeds, dies the world will
go back to normal, go back to being incoherent, go back to indifference.
At one point or another you have to understand
that all people will ever do is look to themselves: what is best for me? And
with every right, your happiness is most important. But what if there is a way
to be happy without others being miserable? Silly girl.
Drown your sorrows or head on down the road you
chose to walk upon. We all hurt over all but we are all masters in the end.
I am not much for politics, I don't get why you
have to lie to get your way. I don't understand the meaning of undermining
others to feel better. It has been done to me and I didn't like it but still I
have done, and sometimes do, the same. I am not better than anyone else, I am
just like everyone else; I beg for understanding, I plead for peace of mind and
I judge without knowledge. Does it make me a better person that I try to
understand, that I try be objective when all it really takes is for someone to
disagree and I am right back where I started?
Anger, negativity, hatred... They are all a part
of my everyday life these days. I reformed, I turned into something I have
never experienced before and then I turned back into the same cynical,
judgmental me I have always been. I had a moment of clarity and I loved it,
every second of it. I am not as busted as I was but I am not far from becoming
what I once was.
I know this, I know all of this. I know what I
am becoming, I know what I am feeling and I know it is because it is
comfortable, simple. Not feeling is better than being broken but not feeling is
being broken.
Do I miss the times when life was simple, when I
didn't care? Sometimes, most of the time I don't. But see, as much as I would
like to believe I did, I never really stopped caring, never really stopped analyzing
the world around me, I have always done just that and it makes me angry because people will not see what I can see, they will not change because I want them to change, for the same reason I will not change because they want me to change. All this destruction and the simplicity of not causing pain makes makes me angry. It makes me angry that people refuse to see another way. Just like me.
I think all of my emotions, all of my understanding
for others, feeling what they feel, seeing what they see somehow made me jaded
because at the moment I feel nothing. Inside I roll my eyes and shrug; I have
heard this before, all of it. Surprise me.
Do I miss the simplicity that once was? Like I
said; sometimes. Mostly because maybe I could have changed it, maybe it could
have been different. Maybe I wouldn't be filled with this hollowness, this
burning sensation in the pit of my stomach like I am just going through the
motions. I have all of these opinions but I am not allowed to speak them, I am
too tired to try. People only want to hear what suits them and mostly it is not
hearing at all.
Anger, guilt, pain, hatred. I thought I had come
so far from this but I feel it, I feel myself changing. Maybe it is good for
me? Maybe it will help me find clarity but how many will suffer for it before I
find it? Who am I to decide someone else's thoughts? Because I want peace? Heh.
Yeah, so does everyone else. And yet... Here we are. We are all just going through the motions, aren't we?
Question is: will you find it in your heart to eventually forgive me?
