The constant in life is change. No matter what you do or if you don't; things change. Constantly, often. We try desperatly sometimes to hold on to the things we have, so much so that we are blind to the changing world around us. We bear moments because we loved others. We take pity on those who don't have and cry when we can't get what we want. We swallow large pieces of our person to the satisfaction of another. Momentarily once in a while through life we lose track of who we are and why. Barely is a well-known word to many. Lost is another.
Maybe it is so that we can't always get what we want but when the wanting takes over our entire reality maybe it's time to look to other solutions, different ways or angles? We can't be who we are if we can't even see who we've become.
Judgemental looks and actions few could ever understand are tossed in all directions for no apparent reason. Hell on Earth is a common way to describe a state of mind we often find ourselves in.
I caress it, cradle it and find comfort in a state of mind that says that I am not allowed to be satisfied, fighting battles with an alter ego that says it's okay to fuck up, preferrably always and so much that it's almost unforgivable.
I don't know when it came into account to numb the sensation of guilt and care. Maybe it was always there? Maybe I felt too much when I was younger or not enough, maybe I am just a liar? There seems to be something there when I get the look of patronization every time I open my mouth. "Here she goes again, seeking attention. Mocking those in need." Thanks. I don't know, I just always felt I needed to find my own way and why I act the way I do. And when all the signs and characterizations are there; shouldn't I at least trust that? Maybe not. It seems, though, that I have found a place of comfort other than the denial and now I'm not worthy of it? I'm not in a bad enough position to seek out the help that is offered?
Tell the truth, they say. Well I am trying. Guess it's not true enough. Seems like when you've been lying for the majority of your life no one believes you when you actually try to change it. And so I've become the girl who cried wolf. No wonder I doubt my being here when everyone else tells me I'm wrong. Then how come every action, every behavior and story fits so perfectly? Coincidence? "You can't destroy every thing that matters to you in one week and say that you don't have a problem." She said. It's not just one week, but she knows that. It was the week that did it, though. The realization that I've had enough.
"Am I telling the truth?" I think so. I'm trying to, at least. Truth is: it pisses me off beyond reason. I keep walking around angry all the time now. "Everybody needs a break sometimes." Yeah, I can agree with that. But what if it's written in your personality? Or what if you've realized something too early? Is there anything called "too early" anyway? I do want to be unique, everyone is, but not like this. Why the hell would I find any pride in this then or put myself through this for some simple attention? Maybe I should've taken a step further and shoved her into the ground to what? Prove a point? I don't know what or who I am, I think I forgot a long time ago. But I'm trying to find out, isn't that enough? It is easier for me than most, I've set my mind to it and decided. In the end it may not be right for me or I'll be wrong but seriously... Ten days into it you're going to decide for me? Isn't that what I've been doing my entire life? Let the vulture at the foot of the bed or everyone else decide for me? But no, I said it before and I'll do it again: don't support if you don't feel it's right, I understand that it doesn't make sense; it doesn't to me either, but keep it to yourself and leave me alone then to let me find out for myself instead of taking advice that could be wrong just because I trust you so damn much it kills me. It matters more to me than anything what you think of me but I just can't... Would you not look at me like I'm the same pathetic attention seeker that cut herself at fourteen? Am I really that oblivious to you still?
"Then why do you do it?" She asked the best question I've ever been asked. I don't know, I honsetly don't know. "Why can't you just stop?" I don't know...
//Em
Maybe it is so that we can't always get what we want but when the wanting takes over our entire reality maybe it's time to look to other solutions, different ways or angles? We can't be who we are if we can't even see who we've become.
Judgemental looks and actions few could ever understand are tossed in all directions for no apparent reason. Hell on Earth is a common way to describe a state of mind we often find ourselves in.
I caress it, cradle it and find comfort in a state of mind that says that I am not allowed to be satisfied, fighting battles with an alter ego that says it's okay to fuck up, preferrably always and so much that it's almost unforgivable.
I don't know when it came into account to numb the sensation of guilt and care. Maybe it was always there? Maybe I felt too much when I was younger or not enough, maybe I am just a liar? There seems to be something there when I get the look of patronization every time I open my mouth. "Here she goes again, seeking attention. Mocking those in need." Thanks. I don't know, I just always felt I needed to find my own way and why I act the way I do. And when all the signs and characterizations are there; shouldn't I at least trust that? Maybe not. It seems, though, that I have found a place of comfort other than the denial and now I'm not worthy of it? I'm not in a bad enough position to seek out the help that is offered?
Tell the truth, they say. Well I am trying. Guess it's not true enough. Seems like when you've been lying for the majority of your life no one believes you when you actually try to change it. And so I've become the girl who cried wolf. No wonder I doubt my being here when everyone else tells me I'm wrong. Then how come every action, every behavior and story fits so perfectly? Coincidence? "You can't destroy every thing that matters to you in one week and say that you don't have a problem." She said. It's not just one week, but she knows that. It was the week that did it, though. The realization that I've had enough.
"Am I telling the truth?" I think so. I'm trying to, at least. Truth is: it pisses me off beyond reason. I keep walking around angry all the time now. "Everybody needs a break sometimes." Yeah, I can agree with that. But what if it's written in your personality? Or what if you've realized something too early? Is there anything called "too early" anyway? I do want to be unique, everyone is, but not like this. Why the hell would I find any pride in this then or put myself through this for some simple attention? Maybe I should've taken a step further and shoved her into the ground to what? Prove a point? I don't know what or who I am, I think I forgot a long time ago. But I'm trying to find out, isn't that enough? It is easier for me than most, I've set my mind to it and decided. In the end it may not be right for me or I'll be wrong but seriously... Ten days into it you're going to decide for me? Isn't that what I've been doing my entire life? Let the vulture at the foot of the bed or everyone else decide for me? But no, I said it before and I'll do it again: don't support if you don't feel it's right, I understand that it doesn't make sense; it doesn't to me either, but keep it to yourself and leave me alone then to let me find out for myself instead of taking advice that could be wrong just because I trust you so damn much it kills me. It matters more to me than anything what you think of me but I just can't... Would you not look at me like I'm the same pathetic attention seeker that cut herself at fourteen? Am I really that oblivious to you still?
"Then why do you do it?" She asked the best question I've ever been asked. I don't know, I honsetly don't know. "Why can't you just stop?" I don't know...
//Em
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