We all make decisions we have to stand for, even if no one else believes you. Drastic measures is sometimes better if you want to see some resembelance of a difference, all I regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
Funny how your mood can swing this much from one day to another. I don't know how I feel about this, I don't know if I like it, I don't want to feel like a hypocrite. Nothing feels real, it's all grey and odd and I don't want to see it, don't want to face it. I was completely convinced yesterday and now...? Some say it's right, it's needed. And on paper it seems to be right but... Others they look at me in disbelief, as if this is another trick. Have I really broken this much of a trust? Even the reflection stares at me empty, hollow and mistrusting. "Fuck 'em." He says. Yeah, fuck 'em, right? I mean, what else is there to do? I don't know.
"We argue with ourselves." That's what they say; that's what I recognize. "We lie, about the most meaningless things." Yep, I recognize that. "I don't know what I am, why I'm here." I recognize that too.
But I don't mind it. I do mind all those things, yes, but I don't mind being without, what does that tell me? That I'm not as fucked as I want to be? So many questions that go unanswered. "You are the only one with the answers." Yeah, I always was, wasn't I? Whatever. "No not whatever." But yeah, that's all I have. It all feels so stupid, pathetic. I guess that's normal.
Why can't you see? Why won't you listen? I'm not right, somewhere I am obviously not right!
I'm going to go. I have to. But I don't want to. "That's when you really should go," they say. I guess they're right.
//Em
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