Brand New Day

"It's okay to feel happy and satisfied. It's a part of it, to welcome all things and find a way to deal with them."

"It's a brand new day, sun is shining. It's a brand new day. For the first time in such a long, long time I know... I'll be okay."

I was afraid that me feeling somewhat happy and grateful would mean something negative. I guess that pretty much sums up how my mind works, why I've been acting the way I have.

I feel like I'm grazing every corner with the outmost care as if expecting the emotions to hit me like a car. It's terrifying and exciting all at once. "Don't worry. It'll come." He said. Yeah, I've felt it a little bit and I'm trying to keep an open mind but it's hard when all I know is how to run away.

"By giving unconditional love we become more loving, and by sharing spiritual growth we become more spiritual." I have a feeling that's what happened this weekend without me knowing it. Just laying in the grass and speaking my mind is something I've never done before, not without throwing in a lie or two or constantly telling myself that it's all good. And now I feel serene, maybe not overjoyed, but calm. In tune.

The most important things is to surround myself with things and people that'll keep me in this state so that I eventually can move forward and allow myself to feel the things I really don't want. I think I've done that pretty well. I guess the frist step towards this is talking about it, openly, freely, and not care so much what others think. It's important to admit when you're wrong and remember when things went wrong and why to not make the same mistake again. How? Don't know yet, but I'm getting there.

I should try to rather forgive than be forgiven and understand rather than be understood. Let go of my limitations and see them as walls I originally put up for some meaningless reason that I know now is unimportant. I shall let go of the limitations I've set up for myself and open my mind to new ideas. This weekend was a saviour. I think it meant more than I can comprehend right now. All I know is that it changed me somehow and I left a part of me I never really needed behind on that meadow.

Thank you everyone for the support and love. I know now the only one who can deal with this is myself but it would have been a million times harder without you. It's okay to ask for help.

"You make your past your past." - Joshua Radin. Click the title, actually all the titles for different songs or links.

//Em